FOXTROT FIREFLY

You can be really smart about these things, and yet totally, completely, ignorantly stupid – all at the same time. That was me up until about a year ago. I’ve had a long time to think since then. I will admit, this starts out as a gender equality blog post. However, the more I made my point and wrote, the more I realized, this isn’t just about gender equality. This is about EQUALITY and DEMOCRACY and FREEDOM.

Growing up in this day and age, women have come so far that you sometimes forget we still have a ways to go. I don’t think it’s something I will ever forget again.

A Reddit user recently posted about being a typical man and deciding to create an online dating profile as a girl. He thought it would be so easy to be a female on a dating website, and yet he only managed to keep the account open for two hours. [Reddit]

A girl at a Florida high school blogged because her principal said things along the lines of “modest is hottest” and “boys will be boys”. She had quite a bit to say about it, and she did so very well. [Cause.We.Cool]

I have spent my life in a house that truly, seriously, believed that we could do anything we wanted to, and pushed those bounds by example.

The thing is, in this day and age, equality between men and women isn’t just about politics any more. Equality is about the perception of the populace. It is about what has worked at advertising firms in the past. It is about the way men learned to treat women growing up. It is about what video game companies put in their games because it sells. And it is about this ideas being perpetuated through the words and actions of people in power.

It has occurred to me multiple times since my last relationship ended just how much I had been subjected to during that relationship – and just how much I had seen after it as well.

It is broken down to the two biggest gender stereotypes we have: Men are strong, hormone controlled creatures who will have sex with anything that has sex appeal. Women are weak, hormone controlled creatures who will have sex with anything that promises to love them in return.

I’m intelligent. I know I am. But I have also had a constant ability to not see things around me if I don’t want to know they are there  – especially when they have yet to be pointed out to me. I refused to see the segregation of cliques in my high school and got along with everyone. I refused to see the reasons that women were unlikely to persue fields that were a majority men and pursued studying computers for fun with a passion. I have spent my life in a house that truly, seriously, believed that we could do anything we wanted to, and pushed those bounds by example. We still play with legos as adults (all of us, parents included), though my mom was the one who started it. I was encouraged to help with building computers, learn how to code in C++, to create what I wanted to create. At the same time, I was encouraged to continue with ballet, even when I felt like my teachers hated me.* Even now, I’m encouraged to go after what I want to accomplish – and my sister is being encouraged to do the same.

And though it was happening in the world around me, I refused to see the fact that even though in my micro-system I was an equal, outside of it, I was seen as “lesser” than men. I am not as “strong” as men. I am not as “smart” as men. I am supposed to be the “home keeper” and not the “breadwinner”.

And I had thought it silly that my mother didn’t want me taking home economics courses in high school.

However, I now see her point. While I now think home economics should be required of every student in order to learn life skills, my mother didn’t want me to fall prey to the stereotypes that come with cooking and sewing classes. The stereotype that you are good for absolutely nothing else.

… my mother didn’t want me to fall prey to the stereotypes that come with cooking and sewing classes. The stereotype that you are good for absolutely nothing else.

I had never seen those stereotypes in play – not blatantly against me, in any case – until my last boyfriend. And it took me awhile to realize what it was.

My overly caring nature had managed to get me manipulated into babysitter for my ex’s daughter. At one point, I had had enough. She was sitting there, complaining she was hungry, so I yelled at him to make her lunch. There was no response. Three more times. Still nothing. It’s a sad thing, but unfortunately there was more than just the fact that I was available to watch his daughter at play here. He also had an internet gaming addiction. I doubt very much if he has even realized this yet. But on this occasion, it had become more clear to me than ever before. One morning, he’d spent so much time playing video games that he had simply rolled over at 6 am when she got up. He had promised a snow day for her, playing in the snow. At 10 am, he still wasn’t up. Guess who took her outside to play with her?

However, this addiction to MMORPGs** in combination with his upbringing, had given him the idea that women are something to be objectified. I was there to be useful. To fill in the gaps for him when things got bad. And to him, as long as he could pretend to care for me (I refuse to use the word ‘love’ as it was not a word that ever came out of his mouth), he knew that I would most likely stick around to continue filling in those holes. Our break up was instigated by myself when I figured out his game plan.

It is broken down to the two biggest gender stereotypes we have: Men are strong, hormone controlled creatures who will have sex with anything that has sex appeal. Women are weak, hormone controlled creatures who will have sex with anything that promises to love them in return.

Those are their freedoms. If a man wants to design clothes, or be a stay at home parent, that is his freedom. If a gay couple wants to get married, that is their freedom. If a woman wants to run a computing giant, that is her freedom. If a girl with a wheel chair wants to learn to ballroom dance, that is her freedom. If a boy with learning difficulties wants to be a science teacher, that is his freedom.

Neither one of these is correct unless you make that a part of your identity. Many people have been brainwashed by our culture’s perpetuation of these ideas to think that that is just the way things are. Both of them have ended up hurting women more than men. And to be honest, men should be just as furious as women are. But men are privileged, so it usually takes someone else pointing it out. (Just read the comments that were left on that Reddit user’s post and you’ll see what I mean.)

I had a class last night in which we discussed two concepts that I think are important here. Understanding your privileges and the concept of democracy.

If you are a member of a privileged group (white, male, money’d, upper class, tall, healthy, athletic, etc.), do yourself a favor and look around yourself. Why are you privileged? Are you privileged because of what you’ve accomplished? Probably not. Existing stereotypes have worked in your favor and you probably don’t even know it yet. The people who are not privileged in one of those things: women, African American, hispanic, short, middle class, lower class, blue shirts, individuals with a disability. They ALL have seen your privilege at work. Just ask, and they might open your eyes. To suddenly not be on equal footing because of my gender opened mine.

Democracy itself is supposed to be a balance of equality and freedom. And here is where I think the balance must be struck: you should be able to be who you would like to be without the interference of other people, because we all have an equal right to choose our own destiny. But if you take away someone else’s right to choose their own path – by stereotyping them, by taking them for granted because of their differences (and here I mean ALL differences) – you should question your own right to choose. No means no because that is the woman’s right to choose, just as much as the man’s. If a person who grows up in a mine town wants to go to college and start a different career path, that is his/her right to choose. Those are their freedoms. If a man wants to design clothes, or be a stay at home parent, that is his freedom. If a gay couple wants to get married, that is their freedom. If a woman wants to run a computing giant, that is her freedom. If a girl with a wheel chair wants to learn to ballroom dance, that is her freedom. If a boy with learning difficulties wants to be a science teacher, that is his freedom.

But your right to choose to crucify someone because of their race, your right to choose to take someone else’s life, your right to choose to play vigilante, your right to choose on behalf of someone else: that is not freedom. That is taking away someone else’s freedom. You must work together as a community, not stomp on your neighbors. And your neighbors are different from you. They always will be.

*It took me years before I understood that in the world of ballet, continual nitpicking by teachers was a method of favoritism.
**Massive Multi-player Online Role-Playing Games

 

I thought about not letting this post be shared via Facebook because of some of the truly personal pieces of this post that I needed to make a point. I’ve always found it easier to share these things with complete strangers online than it is to share them with friends. However, it has occurred to me that I think this post needs to make an impact. And I will readily admit that I think there are people among my Facebook friends who do need to see this post, who need to know that I’ve taken a stand on this issue – whether they agree or disagree with this view point.